Saoirse by Rielle Paz
A Poem for Shelley, 1978–2013

The following poem was written by Rielle Paz, Shelley’s younger sister. What follows is a tribute. A memory. A scream. A prayer. It’s love, grief, and truth—all in one breath.

Before sharing it, Rielle had just one thing to say: “This is for you, Bitch.”

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Saoirse 🌻
by Rielle Paz

Whenever I spell out bananas I hear Gwen Stefani in my head
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
But You know what’s really bananas
being allergic to them
About a decade ago my stomach began to ache after eating anything with bananas in it
My mouth started feeling a sort of uncomfortable tingle and my tongue a balloon inside my mouth
I still pass by the Chiquita bananas in the grocery store
The smell of banana pancakes waking me on Saturday mornings
my mom in the kitchen whipping up a fresh stack
she was always in a good mood when she would make banana pancakes
Saturday morning cartoons, my sister sitting across from me in our kitchen nook How the letters of Chiquita molded to the side of her neck so perfectly
simple cursive branding my 5 foot tall older sister
About the time I became allergic to bananas my sister began to have her own incurable pain
a stomach ache
a swelling
a bond is so strong between blood maybe I was feeling her pain
Although my sister always had a sort of bruising to her like when bananas start to turn brown but they still taste hella good
That was my Chiquita
Though never rotting or Turning to mush
Shelley
10 years older than me my first memories of her are your typical 90s grunge attire
Buzz cut, flannels, and train tracks dancing on her arms
She’d Make beds on Pavement
Adopted into enemy tribes
3 dots aligned next to her left eye
Her a bull she could always run fast
Legs must have been tired that night she couldn’t out run a pig
For one year I got to see Shelley
once a week
Sunday Mornings
Waiting in line at 850 Bryant in San Francisco
Visits behind plexiglass
we would compare shoe sizes
my feet surpassing hers by the time I was 11
Visiting her in hospital beds
After she would over indulge in poison
or attempt to go home to ancestors
Still a shine in her clover green eyes
Always a jokester
never missing a beat
I still looked up to my shorter sister creating an unbreakable bond when we were old enough to appreciate each other becoming inseparable
making up for lost time
Shelley’s shine turned dull
Brown Brushing taking over her body
An incurable aching
When my phone rang on a warm November morning
I already knew what my mother had to say so I said it for her
A call I anticipated my whole life
Waves crashed on top of me speaking the words
she’s dead
Caught in a rip tide
Helpless
drowning
Finding surface
Breath
Becoming the warrior she taught me to be
I already knew this was coming I’d felt it the whole year
Swollen tongues kept us from speaking
She didn’t call on my birthday that year
A week before she flew back into the cosmos
Me to contained in my bubble to realize hers had burst
she fell down Alice’s rabbit hole never to return to this realm
I don’t attempt to eat bananas anymore
Chiquita and I don’t have breakfast together
Tongues don’t swell anymore
Talking from time to time
I listen as winds whisper
And I still pass by the bananas at the grocery store

Copyright by Rielle Paz for her sister Shelley 1978-2013

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